It’s been a few, tough weeks since I have blogged last. Getting used to this jpouch is a little tougher than expected, especially for me, since I am about as impatient as they come.
I’ve also done a lot of traveling and been under a lot of stress with some personal issues that has probably delayed my recovery. I feel a lot of pressure to be a normal person again, I still struggle with the fact that I am 25 and can’t work like a normal person my age. I feel like my disease and this process has taken so much more from me than just my health. I feel like I’m behind everyone else with where I’m supposed to be in life, it scares me that it’s just passing me by and I have no control over how quickly I can resume living a full, active, healthy life again.
All of those thoughts plus trying to stay positive all the time is tough. I’ve been told that I’m acting like I did when I had UC again, which is quiet and angry. Maybe I am acting that way again, but I promise there is a reason for it.
I’m frustrated and I feel a lot of pressure to jump back into life now that I don’t have a diseased colon or an ostomy anymore. There is truth that it’s no one else’s fault but my own. I do put a lot of pressure on myself on a daily basis, which is probably why my colitis was so severe in the first place. While I do feel guilty that I am putting this burden on everyone’s shoulders again of me not feeling well, I am doing the best I can with how I feel.
But, I refuse to be negative. I do break sometimes, I do get upset and easily fed up. I went from feeling great and not having to worry about the bathroom as much versus now, where I am back to being up a few times at night, worrying about what I’m eating or when I’m eating it, worrying about whether my actions or those of others will upset my stomach. Those are all factors I have to take into consideration while I am trying to recover from my final operation. And I feel like it’s not just recovering, its adjusting.
Adjusting to what I feel like needs to be my norm, where I should be if I didn’t have colitis. A job, a new city, new friends, new experiences. Did colitis take all of that from me? Did my surgeries, which took about 9 months of my life, prevent me from getting my dream job? Or should I not be thinking like that at all?
I’m struggling so much with not only figuring out life and what is normal for my body with my jpouch, but also trying to figure out what is next for just ME. Taking my disease and my circumstances out of the equation and wondering what is best for the rest of my life? Where should I go next? Do I just move on like none of this ever happened?
I have so many questions that I feel extremely responsible for answering for myself right now, that I just do not have the answers to. Is that ok? I have no clue.
I am extremely lucky and blessed to have a supportive family and I don’t want this to burden them anymore than it is troubling me. I wish I could just pick myself up and all of the answers to my questions would just come easy. I feel out of place, like uncomfortable in my current situation. I don’t really feel accountable to anyone or responsible for anything and that is a weird feeling for me to have, since I always like to have so much going on.
Figuring out my next steps will come, maybe not as soon as I would like it to but it will. I need a plan and I realize that. In college they used to have us write out our 5 or 10 year plan, write out our goals for the future or where we would hope to be. What I didn’t realize when I was 22 and graduating from Otterbein is that I would be struck with a disease that would change my life forever. No one ever plans to lose their health. What I have quickly figured out is that your health is your foundation and if that is shaken or cracked, so is the rest of your life.
My foundation is still being cemented back together, I’m still trying to find my routine, so maybe that is the answer. While I’m repairing the basement of my house that I call life, the frame will build up as soon as the cement is dry and stable. In the meantime, my jpouch is getting better, I’m seeing small improvements every day. I am still staying as positive as possible, though it’s tough.
I’ll find my routine again.