It has been almost a full week since my final surgery, time does go so fast, no one was wrong in telling me that when this journey to get my j-pouch began. I was nervous going into surgery, even crying this time like I had never done before. I remember my surgeon being surprised at my overflow of emotions as they wheeled me into the OR.
I became frustrated with all of the nurses and anesthesiologists asking me what was wrong, what I was nervous about, that my doctor is one of the best. I knew all of that, I knew I would be alright and that I would wake up and still be alive, it wasn’t crying because I was upset, it was crying because it was such an overflow of emotions that were so uncontrollable. I have never felt a moment that I had anticipated for so long finally come. I have spoken about that day for months and months, how excited I would be. Then there it was and just as quickly as I thought my life was ending, it began again as the anesthesiologist put the mask over my face.
My pain was intense when I woke up, abdominal surgery always is. Now I am feeling a little bit better pain wise, its the going to the bathroom part again that I am struggling with a little bit.
I have found that feeling of being afraid to go to the bathroom is back again. The fear that only people with IBD could tell you. Knowing that you’re going into the bathroom and that you’re going to be in pain. But the pain isn’t the cramping or stabbing that I felt when I had UC, it’s in my butt! I know that sounds silly, but the muscles in my butt are so so sore. Sorry for the TMI, but if you have read my blog before you should know that my disease and surgeries are all about going to the bathroom and what happens back there.
Its a weird, hard to explain kind of pain, one that I can tell you I’m tired of already. I see what my nurse meant when she warned me that I was going to feel like my UC is back. I’m up a lot at night again and I feel this uncomfortable pressure a lot of the time. I also experienced a lot of spasms and uncontrollable muscle contractions when I had UC, like my body was pushing for me, those are back as well and I HATE them.
I have a full understanding that this is going to take some getting used to. I know that I need to be patient, that I’m not going to feel 100% right away. And everyone who is getting ready to have their take down surgery should be prepared honestly but know that it’s going to get better. I try to repeat that while I’m sitting on the toilet, bent over in pain again, staring at the same tile I stared at when I had UC. It has to get better, it will get better, I’m too determined now to let pain get the best of me.
So, here I am, trying to rest as much as possible and keep on keepin’ on. I’m on a very strict diet for 6-8 weeks and I learned that the hard way when I tried to eat pizza the other night (I thought pizza was soft GI?!) LOL. It’s not, as a matter of fact, its extremely heavy and should be avoided. I’m glad I learned that lesson early on so that I can continue on eating foods that won’t do as much painful damage.
My wound is also open, which is gross and hard for me to look at, good thing I have a doctor dad.
Today I was even able to walk around the mall for about 40 minutes, which is good! I tend to recover quickly and without much drama, I was able to leave the hospital pretty quickly again, which is good.
Pretty boring stuff, but I wanted to update anyways. Just kind of laying around and trying to rest. Even though the bathroom is again my enemy, for now, I’m trying to keep my head up and look to the future. I have a few vacations and a big birthday to look forward too, so lets focus on the positive, not the negative.
In the meantime, you can catch me obsessively watching the show Revenge on my heating pad eating bagels. and graham crackers again. 🙂
Thanks for all of the support! xoxo