I’m still feeling nervous today and still taking time to reflect on what I have been through. What I have realized is that this illness has not just affected me, it has affected my best friends and family as well. It has shaped me and those who have chosen to be strong and loyal friends to me.
Along with my truly loyal friends, there have also been people that I thought I considered family, who turned out to be the very poison that was in part, contributing to some of my emotional distress. A certain number of probably around 10 people, they know who they are. Those certain people either said something or played a major role in showing me how truly fake and shallow some can be. I am not going to spend a lot of time explaining my disgust towards and for these people, my parents would tell me that even mentioning this is wrong all together. But I feel its important to tell you all, each and every one of you, how utterly disappointed I am in you. How much I can look back and see all that I have given you and yet I can probably count on one hand the things you have done for me. I have mourned you, grieved the loss of our friendship and relationship all together. I have been so angry with you at times all I could do was cry and question myself all together.
The one thing that makes me the most upset with a few of you, is that you have gone through really troublesome times and I saw you through them. I sat by your side in your darkest times, slept in your beds, sat up with you at all hours of the night. Answered your phone calls, been your shoulder to cry on. Where were you in my darkest hours? I hope that you are satisfied with the choices you have made for yourselves and your lives. I can live the rest of my days knowing that I learned at an early age what it means to be a friend, a true family member to someone. You are the ones who will continue to be alone. You can be surrounded by so many people, in a bar at your job, or in a new city, but you will still be so alone. Not literally alone, but alone in the sense that you do not have warm hearts. You do not know what it’s like to give back to others. I have such a sense of love when I am around the people who have stuck by me. All you have is misery. Because in the end, that’s all I can say about each one of you. Is that now when I think of you, I think that you must be some of the most miserable, lonely people that walk the face of this earth.
I will say that I forgive you, because that’s the right thing to do. It’s what I need to do. But, unfortunately, I will never forget you. You all shaped me and I can thank you for that. Though you didn’t shape me in a positive way and writing these things isn’t the nicest thing I have ever done, it is necessary. I hope someday you do find solace in your mistakes. I hope you read this and feel that sharp pain in the pit of your stomach, like I felt when I heard your silence. I do not regret any of the relationships I had with any of you, but because of you I will continue on this road called life careful of who I allow close to me.
In saying all of that, I do appreciate the few people I have made right with because of what has happened to me. I have reached out and been the bigger person to a few people who I can say I have now had proper closure with and I am truly happy for that.
And then there are those who have shown that it has meant more to them to see me happy, than to turn their backs in ignorance. I am lucky to have more good, close friends and family than I do bad, unsupportive ones.
To a few certain people I know take the time to read my blog, I want to say thank you more times than I ever could in my life time and that I truly love you with everything I have:
Mallory: You have shown me what it is to smile in times that I thought I would never smile again. You and your family have stood by my side through all of this, visiting me in the hospital, sending me cards, all of the gifts. But, those are just material items. Your love and joy for life is what inspires me as your friend. You are such a fun, loving person to be around, your friendship is one that I have cherished basically our entire lives. I opened one of your cards the day I got home from having my colon out and the message inside made me laugh and cry at the same time. I was so sad that day and that card made all of that fade for the entirety of when I was reading it. I cannot wait to celebrate with you on my birthday.
Hannah: You and I have been friends for what seems like a lifetime. You have never, ever disappointed me as a friend. No matter how far you are away from me, I have always been able to call you and know that you are there. You know my deepest and darkest secrets and the friendship we share is one of a true sisterhood. You are selfless and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you. I love you.
Megan: How can I ever repay you for standing by my side through all of this? You are the epitome of a true friend. You are my favorite person to gossip with, you are a person who sees the good in everything that might be bad. Your personality lights up any room you walk into, and I know I can count on you to always make me laugh. Thank you for being one of the only, if not the only, person from that bar that has shown me any kind of gratitude, any kind of friendship, respect or appreciation.
Roman: You have rushed to be by my side in a time that you knew I needed a true friend the most. Thank you for everything you have done, all of the dinners and memories from a super fun and super drunk past life we have together will never fade.
My cousins, Maggie and Sally: You both have shown what family means. Though we don’t see each other very often, your support for myself and my journey has never ceased to amaze me. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, to try to understand what I’m going through and for the lovely messages of support you always send me during the tough times. I love you both more than words could ever say. The loss and grief we have experienced together has only made us stronger, more giving human beings. Grandma and Grandpa B would be SO proud.
Casie & Andrew: The best days of your lives were the worst days of mine. I found out I was losing my colon 2 days before your wedding. Both of you have put aside a year that was supposed to be celebrating you and have welcomed me with open arms and tried your very best to be a friend to someone who was experiencing darkness during your light. Casie, you and I have connected on such a deep level because of what both of us have been through. I am so thankful to have met you. You have shown me what it is to be a strong person, despite any kind of diagnosis.
Alicia: I love you for what you have given to me and for what you have taught me. You were definitely brought to me for a reason, to show me how to be a strong, determined woman in times I thought I would never see another day. Thank you for the lessons and for the love and guidance you have given to me endlessly.
Kylie & Garth: You two have listened to me complain more times this year than you have heard anything positive come out of my mouth. Yet, you still stand behind me without any doubt or question in my mind that you are both 2 of my very best friends. You both know what it is to experience loss or true grief, and yet you still love the people closest to you unconditionally. We have experienced things together that some normal friends don’t even get the chance in a lifetime to do. I love the both of you.
Kristin: I wouldn’t even be here without you. You have become my best friend, my best confidant. You have made my dreams come to fruition, we have started things together that have not only helped others, but that have helped us. We know each other on such a deep level, yet we have only met in person once. You will be a part of my life forever and I will continue to hold your hand through the remainder of your journey as well. Thank you for being you.
Danny: The best gift this disease has given me is the realization of how much I have and always will love you. I knew as soon as I was diagnosed and what kind of journey I was in for that you were the person I wanted to live that through with. We had taken a year apart before I found you again and I tell my closest friends that that is the best thing that could have ever happened to us. We have grown through this together and it has made us such a strong couple. I love you not only for who you are, but for what you have continued to do for me every single day. Neither of us are perfect, but we can try to be the best we can for each other and that is more than I could ever ask for.
Mr and Mrs Balyint: Thank you for staying by my side through all of this and showing me that there was a light at the end of this dark tunnel. You have seen me through this nightmare and I have leaned on you knowing that you have lived another version of this. Thank you for doing it all over again. I love the both of you.
My sisters, Madelyn and Peyton: Sometimes I want to scream in both of your faces, especially yours, Peyton, but I couldn’t have asked God for better sisters than what you are. No one makes me laugh harder or deeper than the both of you. Though you two have dealt with this situation in different ways, you both have shown that family comes first. I love you both more than you could ever know and when we are fighting I want you to know that. You are both my best friends, my soul mates and my sisters.
Mom: Thank you for everything you have done for me. You are always the one taking me to the hospital, dealing with all of this the best way that you possibly can. I love you because you relate to myself and my sisters in such a way that all of my friends are jealous. You are the best mom that I know, you are so supportive and loving, even if you love Finn more than you love us.
Dad: I can say with certainty that I wouldn’t be alive if you weren’t the best doctor and father I have ever met. Even though you have yelled at me a few times in this process, I know that this has been more stressful for you and mom than I could ever know. I am so lucky to have you and mom both. Not everyone is as blessed as I am, especially with having a doctor for a dad.
The rest of my family members, my Nana Kathy and Papa Jim, my aunts and uncles on both sides of my family, thank you for your endless love and support.
All of the people I have met in the IBD community. You all have helped me more than you could ever imagine.
Everyone who has taken the time to either write me a message on social media or send me a text. You have no idea what it means to just say, “I’m thinking of you.” It is refreshing to know that though I haven’t spoken to some of you in years, you are still selfless enough to think of me.
We all made it through this journey together. I am so grateful for this and for all of you.