individual frustration projection.

I have a lot of pet peeves that comes with what I’m going through right now. I hate to complain, instead, I’d rather call it, “venting,” which I do a lot on here, because I feel like a lot of the things that rush through my head when I’m angry or upset the normal person wouldn’t understand.

For a lot of this time, I feel like everyone around me feels like I’m making this up in my head. They feel as if I have no reason to be angry, like this should just be easily brushed aside so my life can continue merrily and without hardships. But I look at it completely differently. Yes, my life does need to move on, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have the right to be upset sometimes? I feel guilty that sometimes the people that are closest to me tell me I’m difficult to be around, but that really hurts my feelings, too. Don’t they see how hard I’m working to try to turn my attitude around? I’m not making any of this happen so that I can purposely be in a bad mood all of the time.

I’m in a bad mood recently because I’ve had a rough week, with the majority of it spent in the emergency room and hospital in pain and very nauseated. I also haven’t eaten normal food in about a week, my workout has been taken from me, which was a great outlet for me besides writing this blog. Being physically active prevents me from being physically angry. And I truly believe that. If more people were active for just a short amount of time a day, I think a lot of peoples anger issues would subside, but that has nothing to do with me, that’s just an educated guess.

My relationships have suffered in many different ways, a lot because there are some people I feel like they think I’m making up symptoms for an excuse to be angry or to be mean. When I really don’t? Some days I’m told that I’m doing really well, others I’m getting screamed at in a garage for reasons that are so completely over my head all I can do is cry.

It’s upsetting to me because I do work really hard, despite what everyone might think. I work hard to get up in the morning and put a smile on my face. It’s not easy for me all the time and I feel like that’s what is expected of me. When I’m in a bad mood why is it that I’m feeling lower than being brought back up.

Sure, I’ve gotten plenty of support. But unfortunately, when I get down or stressed, I take everything to the extreme. It’s not a great quality to have, but it’s one that I can’t help right now. If I feel angry or passionate about something or at someone, then it’s hard for me to hid that emotion and I don’t have trouble admitting that. By no means am I perfect and I probably could try to be a littler bit nicer. I just think that through all of this and after this particular week, my tolerance level is at an all time low.

I’m tired of always being made to seem like the bad guy or the one who doesn’t care. I don’t like when people minimize how I feel when they don’t even know what I’m feeling for sure. How could they? They aren’t me. I have a few complicated relationships with people who I have to be around a lot, and sometimes I wish those people would stop being so selfish and causing so much angst. If I’m supposed to be working on the kind of person I am and my own personal issues, then why aren’t they?

I don’t think I deserve a gold medal because I was really sick and now have to put up with an ostomy, but sometimes I wish for a little slack from people if I’m in a bad mood or frustrated. My irritability has nothing to do personally with anyone, but with my disease that has caused me so much pain and there is really no where or one to project all of that frustration at, so it just shows on my face. I think that’s ok. Other people, not so much.

I guess all I can do is try to be a better person. More understanding. I hate being yelled at and its very upsetting to me, especially when I’m already such an emotional wreck this week. Hoping for a little break of sun in this cloudy week, both literally and figuratively.

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