surgery numero dos (the previews)

The time has come. Surgery #2 is officially tomorrow. How did I get here? This whole process has been so crazy, especially when I stop to really reflect on everything that I have been through over the past 2 years. There has been so much loss, but then again, there has been so much gained.

I kept so busy while I was waiting for this day to come. I remember writing a blog post back in July stating that I will be going to cosmetology school and blah blah blah. You don’t realize how much you panic and make plans that you probably aren’t going to keep until you are in a situation like mine. A situation where you feel like you need to do everything you want to do and that your brain tells you to do because you only have a certain amount of time to do it. Understood? It’s ok if not, I took some calm me down drugs a few minutes ago ๐Ÿ™‚ Goooooddbyyye sober mind for a few weeks, hellloooooo wonderful land filled with narcotics and IV’s. Oh, how I haven’t missed you. (Well, the IV part.)

I have found that I’m not scared at all for tomorrow, which is bizarre. When I found out I had to have my first operation done and my colon removed I remember feeling terrified and so alone. Maybe its because this time I’m going into this surgery with such an amazing group of people that I have met through creating Companion Magazine. All of those people have given me a new reason why having uc has been a littttttllleee great. Without uc, I wouldn’t have met any of these influential people, which goes along with my mantra that everything happens for a reason.

There is a bigger picture underlying this whole situation. I just know it. Someday I am going to wake up and understand why all of this occurred. Sometimes I think it’s Companion, other days I think there has to be more coming, I suffered so immensely and so severely, I want something good to come out of this for myself and for the others who have struggled as I have. I don’t think God just gives us these horrible, gut wrenching life stealing diseases to watch us be miserable. He gives them to us because we are strong, we can handle these situations, we can fight on.

I read a quote today that said, “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are sealed with scars.” That quote describes to me that my suffering and all of this back and forth and torment with surgeries is not all just so I can have a new colon in 3 months. That means all of this suffering has built my character, made me a better person, made me see the bigger picture, has given me perspective.

And it has. Looking at tomorrow I don’t see it as something I am fearing. I look at it as another obstacle that I have to face in order to start a life as the new me. The new me with the new colon ๐Ÿ™‚ I look at tomorrow and think, “I want to kick your ass.”

Because I do. And I will.

I am going into this surgery completely blinded and not knowing what to expect. Last time I knew I would wake up, feel better, have an ostomy, be able to eat and sleep, live, go out with my friends and be a normal 24 year old girl. This surgery will give me all of that too, and I’ll be one step closer to being done.

This time I’ll wake up, still have an ostomy, I know I am having drains, I know I’ll have a catheter, I know I’ll have to stay in the hospital for what seems like a year and a half.ย I also know I am going to have a new looking ostomy, I’m a little worried my butt is going to hurt since they’re taking out the rest of the colitis in myย rectum (FUN). ย I know I’ll probably get annoyed of the nurses, and I know that I’ll be ok.

What I don’t know, won’t hurt me, right?

Sooooo this is the last time sleeping in my own bed for quite a few days. Boo hoo. Let us pray that I don’t have a weird, annoying roommate, that I have really nice nurses, that the Percocet is amazing and that the surgery is flawless. I hope my j-pouch is the most beautiful, blessed j-pouch that Dr. Strong has ever created in his lifetime.ย  Let us also pray that my dad is not lying when he says the loading dose of steroid I’m getting won’t make my face fat. (He says I focus on all the wrong things, but that’s very important to me, sir.)

I also hope I don’t have a tube up my butt like last time ๐Ÿ˜› TMI? I don’t care. Welcome to my life with ulcerative colitis.

Check ya on the flip siiiidddeeee ๐Ÿ™‚

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