2 piece

Pain from surgery has finally started to subside.  I still have some soreness around my ostomy, but only being 2 weeks out I suppose that’s probably pretty normal.  I’m starting to get used to my new “bathroom routine,” although sometimes I catch myself stopping and getting a little upset.  I’m finally starting to come to grips with the fact that this is NOT FOREVER.  I am counting down the days until August 8th, when I go and see my surgeon again.  Hopefully I will be able to bribe him into having my second surgery in just a short 4 months..keep your fingers crossed.  When I was in the hospital after my first surgery I asked him if there was anything I could do health wise to make this process go a little faster, his self-humored reply was “money.” ha ha ha.  I can’t wait for a few weeks to fly by so I can get to the gym and make sure my body is in the best shape ever, so that when this second surgery comes around everything goes perfectly.  My nurse told my mom at the clinic that even though my surgeon is a little slow between the first and second surgery, he usually does take-downs (the final surgery) only six weeks after the second surgery!!!!  That would be amazzzinnnggg.  I can tell everyone right now that the day my j-pouch is in and working will be one of the best days of my life.

Until then, I have to stay patient.  My mom told me the other day not to wish time away.  I think that happening is inevitable at this point.  When that j-pouch is in my life will be fully normal!  I am still having a lot of trouble with getting dressed.  My upper body is so swollen!  My lower abdomen looks like I have a little baby gut and my cheeks and face still haven’t fully deflated from the blasts of prednisone I have so luckily received over the past 9 weeks.  Looking in the mirror after getting ready I am never fully satisfied, I just don’t look like me yet.  My coloring still looks a little pale and I am puffy like a blowfish.  Monday I get to go down to only 5 mg of prednisone, which is the lowest dose I have ever been on!!  I am hoping to look like myself by August 1st, which is when my orientation at Aveda is.  Exciting 🙂

Friday night I was able to make it out to a Sister Hazel concert.  Getting ready, of course, was exhausting.  I put on a pretty form fitting maxi dress, which was dumb because as soon as I turned to the side, it looked like I was 4 months pregnant.  As I could feel the tears getting ready to fall, I had to remind myself that in only a few short weeks, I would be able to wear the dress without problem.  I found a black, more flowy dress that worked perfectly.  I guess this is all so frustrating because getting dressed has never been an issue for me.  I can’t imagine the trouble that girls with real self-esteem issues have.  Throwing off a million clothing options is tiring, defeating and for me, quite painful.

The concert was great and dinner was even better!  I have been eating like crazy, which I need to watch because I can’t work it off in the gym right now.  I’m trying to give myself a little break, since I haven’t eaten things like ice cream or pizza in over a year.  Food seems to taste better in general lately!

no shame :)

swollen with no shame 🙂

Being able to enjoy them without my normal fear and anxiety is amazing, but I’m still having the normal girl- like guilt!

I was able to sit through most of the concert.  I get tired pretty easily and my back starts to hurt reaallyyy bad if I stand for too long.  Regardless, I was proud of myself for making it through a late night!

This weekend was also the first time I decided to put on a 2 piece suit.  This may not seem like a big deal to some, since I have a pool in my backyard and no one but my family can see, but just looking at myself in the mirror is a challenge these days.  Having the peace of mind to put on a 2 piece and sit with myself outside for longer than 5 minutes, big deal.  Especially since only about 3 weeks ago I was glaring at an ostomy nurse when she was telling me I would be out with my friends, swimming and enjoying life, even with an ostomy.  I remember telling her outloud, “I won’t be going anywhere with that.”

Last night to go out to dinner I forced myself to get ready, pick out a dress and stick with it.   I did not change once!!  Well, my shoes, but thats normal, isn’t it?  I even laughed when I turned to the side in this short, flowy black dress and saw my tummy still sticking out.  I guess that’s what you have to do when you’re so tired of doing the same thing over and over, just laugh.

Plus it feels nice to get dressed and put some make-up on, considering I have been laying in bed in my pajamas for the past 2 months.  I can see myself starting to come back and it feels great.  I’m even planning to (hopefully) visit Columbus later this week.  For now, relaxing, eating and spending time with my family without having to sprint to the bathroom in agony feels great!!

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